Sure, I chuckled along with everybody else when Krampus said he was operating for Santa. I remember joking around with my friends like, Yes! He should operate! That would be hilarious! We couldnt help but look forward to the media sight that would come from a child-torturing, goat-demon operating for Santa, a position very consistently won by jolly, rosy-cheeked, twinkle-eyed men. It was just so insane and frightening an idea to even think of. Can you imagine? marriages say, and we really couldnt.

And when we heard the former Mrs. Claus was also operating for Santa, I admit some of us thought that was pretty far-fetched too. But at some point our excitement overtook our skepticism, and all we could talk about was how amazing it would be to have the first woman Santa. My friends and I would reject any poll that said the race was neck-and-neck. It didnt seem possible to us then that a tongue-wagging, hirsute ogre could be Santa, so we just tuned it all out.

I mean, every day Krampus would Tweet something insane like, My favorite drink is the tears of children and my favorite music, their calls. We were like, okay yeah, this dude is clearly off his damn rocker. Wed retweet Krampus all the time. Honestly, his account is still one of the funniest in my feed, but I merely dont have the heart to chuckle about it anymore.

Even when Krampus hosted SNL, I was still like Okay, this is terrible, but theres no way The Horned God of the Witches is ever going to become Santa. No style! I entail, were talking about the cloven-hoofed, chain swinging host of Celebrity Satan. Gary Buseys buddy in charge of determining whos been naughty or nice? Inconceivable.

Maybe its the partys defect for dismissing how unpopular Mrs. Claus was as a candidate for Santa. Perhaps they shouldve nominated that old ass elf that was always hollering about the top 1% of naughty children. Ill admit thats who I voted for in the North Pole primaries. But as soon as he was out of the picture, I was with Mrs. Claus all the way.

Ill confess I live in a major urban city with a lot of privileged elves, but I dont think we live in a bubble. Except for the times were literally in a giant bubble we made out of childrens laughter. In that case, yeah, were totally in a bubble and its fun as hell. But its true that we were not fully aware of how many pissed off blue collar elves were out there. Thats on us. And even if thats not the whole story of such elections, its like, go ahead and try comforting yourself with finger-pointing when youre get stuffed into the punishment-sack.

Who knows, maybe Putin did interfere with the election. He entirely looks like a dude who would think, You know whos got some great notions? Krampus.

Anyway, its not even Krampus that Im really worried about, its his cabinet. I entail his actual cabinet, the one filled with all those snowglobes that are actually prisons for souls. Like, who supposes of stuff like that? I entail yeah, his mentally unhinged squad of policy advisors is deeply concerning too, but those snowglobes? Ummm, check please!

Whos going to run for Santa in 2020? Perchta? Perhaps. And maybe by then well ultimately be ready to accept a Santa who is neither a portly fellow , nor a terrifying hell-beast. Until then, weve all just got to come together and be as nice to each other as is practicable. Im not trying to preach here, Im just saying if we dont unify and learn to love each other, Krampus is going to trap our spirits in a snowglobe. So, yeah, simply maintain that in mind.

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