Forget Fake, This News Is Certifiably Insane

So this silly bitch Jim Comey starts investigating Hillary Clinton for her shitty handled with emails back in summer 2016. Just before the election rolls into township, he decides to send a letter to Congress saying, “Oh shit, son, we got a pantload of new emails to look at! ” Then three days before the election, he shrugs that shit off with “Eh, we just detected some cat GIFs and pics of Anthony Weiner's dick, which is sad but not illegal.” But it doesn't matter — everyone thinks Hillary Clinton is the Baba Yaga of emails at this phase. Trump wins the election.

Word spreads pretty quick that Trump may have some ties to Russia, whom we now suspect meddled in the election worse than Scooby and the gang meddled in the day-to-day business affairs of your median haunted amusement park. And by “some ties, ” I entail everyone Trump has appointed, worked with, fulfilled, or looked at is probably a sleeper Russian agent who, when given the signal, will together form Mecha-Putin. So Comey heads up an investigation into the Trump/ Russia ties, and along the way Sally Yates gets fired, and so does Preet Bharara — both of whom are looking into Team Trump's connections to Russia. Well ain't that a bitch?

Then in comes Trump out of the blue with the firing of Comey, claiming it was because of how he dealt with the emails months previously — something which Trump publicly praised Comey for at the time.

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What in the merciful fuck is going on? Trump fired the guy investigating Russia's interference with the election( which Trump won ). And Trump gets to pick the replacing FBI director, who will take over the results of the investigation. Trump firing Comey is like you shitting on your neighbor's lawn, then having the ability to kick them out of their house for complaining you shit on their lawn. In fact, it's like being able to fire the detective analyse your mass shitting spree across the entire country. Who the hell is OK with this? Sure, Comey seems as competent as a one-armed human in a clapping rivalry, but could there be any more suspect timing for canning him? Just days before, he asked for more funding for the investigation into Russia's meddling in the election. Even villains in Disney movies would call this a little too on the nose.

This story gets more and more ludicrous with each passing detail. If you pitched this as a political thriller to Hollywood executives, they'd usher you out of the building before you reach paragraph four of your synopsis, because it's dumb as shit and, by extension, so are you.

Look at the details here. Jeff Sessions …

Sandy Huffaker/ Getty Images
Sinister Gelfling and attorney general .

… had to recuse himself from any possible Russia investigation because of his own copes with Russians. He's the one who recommended that the president flame Comey. The guy who's supposed to not be involved in the Russia investigation helped fire the head of the Russia investigation.

Rex Tillerson, also up to his old man balls in vodka and suspicious business dealings, met with Russian Minister Sergey Lavrov along with Trump the very next day at the White House, and Lavrov blatantly joked about Comey being fired. He then proceeded to have a private meeting which only Russian media was permitted to attend. In the fucking White House. The American one.

Everyone — all the intelligence agencies, and from the look of things, Congress too — is on board with the idea that Russia tried to influence the 2016 election. They might have just try our best to do the same thing in France, too. Trump, meanwhile, constantly calls the Russia investigation shit like “fake” and a waste of time. Sarah Huckabee Sanders went on Tv after Comey was fired and said it's time to leave the investigation behind us. But it's ongoing, you unbelievable intellect slug! The FBI issued subpoenas for General Flynn's business associates the same day Comey was fired. This is a real thing. There's real evidence.

You don't even have to lean left to see that this is a thing. No one, right now, is saying Trump is personally involved. It's heavily extrapolated, sure, but there's no proof yet. But there sure as shit is evidence that people around him are involved, despite the dumb shit Kellyanne Conway told Anderson Cooper that constructed him roll his eye so hard that the inside of his skull must have gotten a friction burn.

CNN
He was rushed into surgery before “retina detachment from bullshit” was proclaimed a pre-existing condition .

People in the administration, people with ties to the White House, have clearly is engaged in shady styles with the Russian government. Espouse that shit. Deal with it. No one likes it, but it's not like a kid on the schoolyard telling everyone you shit your pants when it didn't truly happen. This shit really happened. And it's spiraling out of control in the most unbelievable style, made all the more unbelievable given the fact that every time someone hits political rock bottom, they pull out a goddamn shovel and excavate only a little bit deeper, while the sane people in the world keep shaking their heads and hoping an adult shows up soon to make this all better. Well hold on to your butts, because there are no adults left in this fucking building.

If you need the perfect image of just how fucking bull-goose loony this is, how utterly baffle and beyond surreal, you have but to look at Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Sean “Are You Fucking Kidding? ” Spicer dealt with this situation by hiding in some goddamn shrubs like he was a bush pig trying to lay low while a coyote ran past. There he stayed until reporters turned their illuminates and cameras off so he could venture out like a timid little chipmunk eager to feed your peanut but fearful of your heady man-stench. This is the White House press secretary, who required the cover of darkness and the safety of woodlands to address a pressing issue. Can you imagine what would happen if we ever went to war with North Korea? You'll have to dig to the bottom of a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit to find Spicer, sitting in a tepid pool of urine and cheese with a snorkel on.

Not crazy enough for you? No worries, CBS news caught up with Vladimir Putin himself, in full hockey gear, at a hockey game, and asked his thoughts on Comey being fired. Putin offered an empty pouch of shits to give about this, and explained Trump was following the Constitution and the law and fuck that, let's play hockey!

This madness is a daily occurrence now. How is no one with a certain degree of authority not sick of this shit yet? How can this be a long time presidency in the history of day after scarcely 100 days? If this was a Twilight Zone episode, you'd skip to the next one because it's too long, too stupid, and too frustrating to construct whatever hamfisted phase it was trying to make. You'd also yell at the screen and call all the characters stupid the whole time. But this shit isn't The Twilight Zone or a bad movie script or a terrible novel. This is the bullshit dragging everyone down, every day, on every side of the aisle, and I have$ 5 that say it gets a whole lot worse — and, more specifically, stupider — before it gets better.

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