THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

I AM HAPPY TO BE YOUR HOST,STEPHEN COLBERT.

LET'S SEE, SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUTTONIGHT.

I THOUGHT THE SHOW WAS GOING TOBE ABOUT ONE THING AND THEN THE OTHER THING HAPPENED.

SO I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT THETHIRD THING I DIDN'T EXPECT.

( LAUGHTER )THIS AFTERNOON, WE LEARNED THAT TRUMP'S SECRETARY OF LABORNOMINEE AND SUBURBAN DENTIST YOU MEET AT THE SWINGERS PARTY, ANDYPUZDER, HAS WITHDRAWN HIS NOMINATION.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )JUST TO BE CLEAR– WITHDRAWS HIS NOMINATION.

JUST TO BE CLEAR.

THIS IS NOT A SCANDAL.

HE SAYS HE JUST WANTS TO SPENDMORE TIME WITH MICHAELS FLYNN.

PUZDER– BEAUTIFUL NAME BY THEWAY, PUZDER.

MUSICAL NAME, PUZDER.

♪ ♪ ♪( LAUGHTER ) THE C.

E.

O.

OF HARDEE'S ANDCARL'S JR.

, WAS CONTROVERSIAL FOR MANY REASONS.

HE HAD AN UNDOCUMENTEDHOUSEKEEPER, MADE ADS THAT FAMOUSLY OBJECTIFIED WOMEN, ANDCALLED HIS OWN FAST FOOD EMPLOYEES THE WORST OF THEWORST.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

HARDEE'S EMPLOYEES ARE GREAT.

IT'S THE FOOD THAT'S THE WORSTOF THE WORST.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BUT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I GOTTA SAY– OH! CURLY FRIES AND A COKE.

BUT EVEN WITH ALL THAT,REPUBLICANS WERE STILL ON BOARD WITH PUZDER UNTIL A TAPESURFACED OF PUZDER'S WIFE IN 1990 APPEARING ON A TALK SHOWDESCRIBING DOMESTIC ABUSE.

THAT TOOK HIM DOWN.

SO WHO BROUGHT THAT TAPE TOLIGHT? I MEAN, WHO'S POWERFUL ENOUGH TOTOPPLE A CABINET SECRETARY? YOU GUESSED IT:OPRAAAAAAHH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THANK YOU, OPRAH.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU, LADY O.

OPRAH CAN DOANYTHING.

QUICK FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, NOPARTICULAR REASON, OPRAH– DID YOU EVER DO ANY SHOWS IN RUSSIA? BECAUSE WE COULD USE SOME HELP.

WE JUST LEARNED FROM MULTIPLEINTELLIGENCE SOURCES THAT TRUMP AIDES WERE IN "CONSTANT TOUCH"WITH SENIOR RUSSIAN OFFICIALS DURING THE CAMPAIGN.

"CONSTANT TOUCH," BY THE WAY, ISALSO TRUMP'S SECRET SERVICE CODE NAME.

( LAUGHTER )"I GOT CONSTANT TOUCH ON THE MOVE.

CONSTANT TOUCH IS ON THE MOVE.

CONSTANT TOUCH.

CONSTANT TOUCH IS COMINGBACKSTAGE.

HIDE THE GIRLS.

CONSTANT TOUCH.

" NOW, THIS RUSSIAN REVELATIONOBVIOUSLY RAISES QUESTIONS LIKE "ARE YOU (BLEEP) KIDDING ME?"( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )AND WHAT? THIS IS RUSSIA, AMERICA'SGREATEST FOE SINCE WORLD WAR II.

I MEAN, WORSE THAN GLUTEN.

( LAUGHTER )NOW, INTELLIGENCE SOURCES ARE CAREFUL TO SAY THAT THEY HAVEFOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT TRUMP AND HE RUSSIANS COLLUDED TO STEALTHE ELECTION, BUT.

>> WHERE THERE'S SMOKE.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF SMOKE.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF SMOKE HERE.

>> LOT OF SMOKE.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF SMOKE.

>> Stephen: AND YOU KNOW WHATTHEY SAY, "WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S STEVE MILLERBLOWING IT UP TRUMP'S ASS.

" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WE DO KNOW THAT TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN WAS TALKING TO THE RUSSIANS ALOT, AND "THE FREQUENCY OF THE COMMUNICATION AND THE PROXIMITYTO TRUMP OF THOSE INVOLVED 'RAISED A RED FLAG' WITH U.

S.

INTELLIGENCE.

" YES, INTELLIGENCE WERE WORRIEDTHAT ONCE HE GOT IN THE WHITEHOUSE, HE MIGHT RAISE A REDFLAG.

THE REPORT ALSO MAKES CLEAR THATTHESE CALLS ARE DIFFERENT FROM THE WIRETAPPED CONVERSATIONSBETWEEN MICHAEL FLYNN AND RUSSIA'S AMBASSADOR.

IT IS NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUHAVE TO SPECIFY WHICH SECRET POWER YOU'RE DENYING.

"OH, THAT ACT OF TREASON.

TELL YOU WHAT? LET ME GET BACK TO YOU ON THATONE.

NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE.

ANYBODY ELSE? ANYBODY? HE'S ON THE MOVE.

HE'S ON THE MOVE.

( APPLAUSE )NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE VEHEMENTLY DENIES ALL OF THIS.

YESTERDAY, SEAN SPICER WAS ASKEDABOUT RUSSIA'S TIES DURING AMERICA'S DAILY AFTERNOON SPICEYTIME.

>> CAN YOU STILL SAYDEFINITIVELY THAT NOBODY ON THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN, NOT EVEN GENERALFLYNN, HAD ANY CONTACT WITH THE RUSSIANS BEFORE THE ELECTION? >> I DON'T HAVE ANY– THERE'SNOTHING THAT WOULD CONCLUDE ME THAT ANYTHING DIFFERENT HASCHANGED WITH RESPECT TO THAT TIME PERIOD.

>> Stephen: YES, THERE ISNOTHING THAT WOULD CONCLUDE HIM THAT ANYTHING DIFFERENT HASCHANGED.

( LAUGHTER )HEARD ME THAT, AND CONCLUDE ASS OUT OF TALK HE.

( APPLAUSE ), OF COURSE,, OF COURSE, HUGE SEAN SPICER FANS.

BIG SEAN SPICER FANS HERETONIGHT.

, OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENTIMMEDIATELY TOOK TO THE TWITTER TO DEFEND HIS ADMINISTRATIONSAYING: "THIS RUSSIAN CONNECTIONNONSENSE IS MERELY AN ATTEMPT TO COVER UP THE MANY MISTAKES MADEIN HILLARY CLINTON'S LOSING CAMPAIGN.

" ( AUDIENCE BOOING ).

>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, NO,LOOK.

HE'S GOT A GOOD POINT.

BECAUSE IF PEOPLE LEARN ABOUTTHE MISTAKES MADE IN HILLARY'S CAMPAIGN, SHE MIGHT LOSE? BUDDY, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONETALKING ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON.

YOU'RE LIKE THAT GUY WHO'S STILLTALKING ABOUT A BIG TOUCHDOWN HEMADE 20 YEARS AGO.

BY THE WAY, HILLARY WON THEPOPULAR TOUCHDOWN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BY THE WAY, OKAY, TRUMP ALSO CALLED THE STORY "FAKE NEWS,"THEN TWEETED THAT "THE REAL SCANDAL HERE IS THATCLASSIFIED INFORMATION IS ILLEGALLY GIVEN OUT BY'INTELLIGENCE' LIKE CANDY.

VERY UN-AMERICAN!"YEAH, YOU KNOW HOW IT'S ILLEGAL FOR AMERICANS TO GIVE OUT CANDY.

THAT'S WHY EVERYONE WEARS MASKSON HALLOWEEN.

HERE'S THE THING: IT CAN'T BEBOTH FAKE NEWS AND AN ILLEGAL LEAK OF CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.

"YOUR HONOR, I DID NOT MURDERTHAT MAN.

THE REAL CRIMINAL IS WHOEVERFILMED ME STRANGLING HIM.

" ( LAUGHTER )THE PRESIDENT ALSO HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY– DID YOU SEETHIS? I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GOING TOHAPPEN.

HE HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAYBECAUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS INSANITY,ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER BENJAMIN NETANYAHU VISITED THE WHITEHOUSE.

AS A COURTESY, TRUMP ASKED HISSTAFF TO PUT A 24-HOUR HOLD ON RETWEETING NEO-NAZIS.

( LAUGHTER )THAT'S JUST GOOD MANNERS.

THAT'S JUST GOOD MANNERS.

HE'S A LOVELY HOST.

BUT– IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'SNECESSARY.

( LAUGHTER )BUT HE DID NOT– RIGHT? BUT HE DID NOT TAKE THEOPPORTUNITY OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE TO ADDRESS ANY OF THERUMORS THAT HE'S BEING RUN BY THE KREMLIN, AND THE TWOHANDPICKED REPORTERS HE CALLED ON WERE POLITE ENOUGH NOT TO ASKWHETHER OUR COUNTRY IS OVER.

THANK YOU.

SO FAR, TRUMP AND HIS SENIORADVISERS HAVE NOT BEEN DIRECTLY IMPLICATED IN ANY OF THIS.

THE PEOPLE MENTIONED IN THISREPORT ARE THE FORMER MICHAEL FLYNN, ANDSUMMERTIME TRUMP CAMPAIGN CHAIR AND MAN WHO KEEPS ROPE IN HISGLOVE COMPARTMENT, PAUL MANAFORT.

APPARENTLY, PHONE RECORDS SHOWMANAFORT ON CALLS TO RUSSIA, BUT MANAFORT DENIES IT SAYING, "THISIS ABSURD.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS ISREFERRING TO.

I HAVE NEVER KNOWINGLY SPOKENTO RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE OFFICERS.

IT'S NOT LIKE THESE PEOPLE WEARBADGES THAT SAY, 'I'M A RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE OFFICER.

'"WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW? YOU WERE ON THE PHONE! YOU CAN'T HEAR A BADGE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE ) PAUL.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THE GUY ON THE OTHER END COULD HAVE A HAMMER AND SICKLE FACETATTOO FOR ALL YOU KNOW.

BUT MAYBE MANAFORT REALLY DIDN'TKNOW THAT HE WAS TALKING TO RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE OFFICERS.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE EVERYRUSSIAN PERSON YOU TALK TO IS A SPY.

I MEAN, SOME OF MY CREW MEMBERSARE RUSSIAN.

YOU'VE NEVER WORKEDFOR THE RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE,RIGHT? >> NYET, NYET, STEPHEN.

I'VE WORKED MANY JOBS.

NEVER RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE.

>> Stephen: OH, WHERE DID YOUWORK BEFORE HERE? >> THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN.

( LAUGHTER )>> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU.

GOOD FOR YOU.

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE WIN.

THATMUST HAVE BEEN A SURPRISE.

YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A BADGE THATSAYS, "I'M A RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE OFFICER, DO YOU?">> MY BADGE SAYS, "I AM REGULAR LADY.

>> Stephen: RIGHT.

WELL, THANKS.

SORRY.

WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN? >> MY NAME? MY NAME IS KATIE.

KATIE NAME.

LAUGH>> Stephen: KATIE NAME, EVERYBODY! THANK YOU, KATIE.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOUTONIGHT.

Source: Youtube